death

/dɛθ/

stepping off point

 

I. 

 

21st Jan 2019

 

The goalkeeper was a considerably tall and menacing 20-year-old. 

Not eerie enough to scare my batch mates, but for me, he did the job. 

 

It was clear that the crowd of 15-20 people watching the match had predicted our loss the moment they saw us.

My confidence had already dropped by 40% after locking eyes with the 20-year-old-menacing goalkeeper, and now it was drowning in the words of the spectators.

My teammates couldn’t care less about what people said or foretold, but for me, they did the job. 

 

15 minutes into the game and I haven’t touched the ball once.

The predictions are now turning into reality and I have no control. 

 

“What would he do?”, I ask myself.

 

His decisions often confused the people around him, including me. “Who would do that?”, “That’s unnecessary.”, “That’s not how it’s done, is it?”. 

But for him, belief was the ultimate power. He trusted himself more than anyone, and once you know how to do that, half of the problem is already solved. What’s left is to actually come up with a concrete and calculated solution. One that has the lowest probability of failure. He was precise. 

 

I locked eyes with the 20-year-old menacing goalkeeper again, and at that moment, for the first time in my life, I recognized that ultimate power; belief. 

 

Most of my teammates didn’t even know my name, but once you’ve decided that you CANNOT lose this very important semi-final match in a not-so-renowned college; close to some famous ‘Paratha Waala’; everybody will remember your name. 

__________________________________________

 

II. 

 

2008/09, Sunday

 

After a successful session of being a substitute in a highly anticipated soccer game, I came home disappointed. 

But then I saw him, standing near the stairs, happy as ever to see me. 

 

I dragged him up the staircase, into my room and brought a cricket ball to play a good game of street soccer with him. 

He was as excited as I was, if not more. 

 

A few rounds in and I try to pull off this amazing trick I saw during my successful session of being a decent substitute earlier that day. The ball goes the other way and under his foot, smashing him to the ground. 

My heart dropped. I felt so much pain and anger in that one second. “What have I done?”

“If only I had been more precise, more accurate!”

 

Mum, Dad and Didi rushed up the stairs only to find him smiling and patting me on my back. I cried a river. 

 

This incident taught me three things.

The importance of precision; the importance of getting up when life smashes you to the ground; and to never play soccer with a cricket ball, ever again.

__________________________________________

 

III.

 

2014

 

He used to get Hindi newspaper at his house and would spend the whole day grasping as much as he could from the known universe.

 

The one benefit of having a Hindi newspaper was that you would get a ‘dad joke’ on each page. 

I used to love these jokes, and he was aware. 

 

Every time I visited him, he would be ready with at least 5 jokes that he would recite to me with great pride. He arguably spent the whole day trying to memorize these jokes just to see me smile and laugh. He cared, in his own ways. The little things always matter. 

 

I would go on to make a separate diary, just to save these jokes. This gave him a sense of satisfaction. He could see that I respected him and that made him happy. I was happy. 

__________________________________________

 

IV. 

 

24th Nov 2021

 

Number 23. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. But I wanted to, because I’m not brave enough. How do I look at him when he’s not smiling back at me? Not patting on my back? Not reciting a dad joke? How? 

 

I’m not strong enough. 

 

Number 23. He was more alive than I’ve ever been in my life. Always smiling and laughing. If he was sick, he’d get through it smiling. If you were sick, he’d cure you with his smile. 

We often forget the importance of smiling, and he would be my daily reminder. ‘Don’t push through it, learn to smile through it.’

 

Number 23. I can’t find that smile today. I’m confused, I’m angry, I’m sad. 

Once again, I’m not in control. 

 

Yes, I couldn’t see him, but I definitely felt him, patting my back. 

Mum says, "Don’t say ‘He’s no more.’ He’s everywhere!"

He lives on… in me, for me. He’s safe with me. 

Now it’s my turn, to make him smile, to make him laugh. 

And this time, I’ll be precise and I’ll be accurate. 

The ultimate power is mine. He is my ultimate power.

__________________________________________

 

A loving father, husband, brother, and My Grandfather. 

Him

-Shaurya Gulati

My Social Media: Instagram

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